Last Time
by shatterthoughts
Summary: Eddie finds Barry sitting on the couch, staring at nothing. He takes in a long breath. WARNING: self-harm. Established Thallen. (Fluffy, angsty hurt/comfort but plenty of comfort in there, I promise)
1. Chapter 1

**WARNING: self-harm. Angsty/fluffy/hurt comforty but hopeful, promise. Oh, and established Thallen.**

When Eddie got back to their apartment Barry was sitting on the couch, legs folded under him. His phone was in his hands, going back and forth between his fingers, but he wasn't looking at it. He was staring into space, just sitting there. Eddie took in a long breath.

He didn't look up when Eddie walked in, didn't seem to even notice him.

"Bar," he said softly, "everything alright?"

Barry blinked, looked over. "Yeah, I'm fine," he said.

Eddie walked over, carefully sat down next to him, put a hand on his shoulder. "You sure?"

Barry looked down.

"You want to talk about it?"

Barry fumbled with his phone some more, fingers twisting back and forth.

"Did you do something stupid?"

Barry froze, then gave a jerky nod.

"Can I see?"

He shook his head. Eddie took in a long breath.

"You clean it up?"

Another nod.

"Good? You sure? Disinfectant?"

Nod.

Eddie sighed, pulled Barry closer to him.

"Can you talk to me, Bar, please?"

"I was upset."

"About what?"

"I dunno."

Eddie waited. Barry fumbled some more.

"Panicked."

"Panic attack?"

Barry nodded, head moving in a shaky fashion. He wouldn't look up.

"Are you alright now?"

Barry paused, slowed. Then slowly shook his head no.

Eddie pulled him in tighter. "Tell me what's wrong."

"Can't breathe."

"OK. In and out, right. Take a nice long breath. You can do it, I'll count." Eddie counted it out, made Barry breathe with him, nice and slow. "That's it," Eddie said. He kissed the top of his head. Barry was leaning against his chest now, his back to him, breathing in steadily.

Eddie sighed. "You can't keep doing this, babe," he said softly, giving him another kiss. Barry stiffened in his arms.

"I didn't – I don't mean to," he said, his voice coming out tiny.

"That's not good enough, Bar," Eddie said. His voice was gentle though. He kissed his forehead, another down the side, close to his ear. "You have to talk to me."

"I'm sorry."

"I know, Bar," he said, sighing, "but you need to tell me these things _before_ it happens." He took Barry's wrist, pulled it up even as Barry made a protesting noise. He slipped his hand under the sweatshirt sleeve, ran his fingers along the bandages there. "Before, Barry." He turned towards him, shifted him so that Barry was forced to look him in the eyes. "You can't keep doing this."

Barry looked down, bit his lip. "I know."

"But you keep doing it," Eddie said, firmly. Barry's face reddened a little bit. He tried to tug his wrist away. "You get upset," Eddie kept going, his voice gentle, but firm, "and you cut, and then you tell me your sorry, and want me to comfort you and cuddle with you."

"I – I don't mean it like –"

"I know," Eddie said softly, and he paused to kiss Barry lightly, on his lips this time. "I know you don't mean it like that, but you have to stop. I'll help you however you want, Barry – I'll sit with you and cuddle and hold you and do whatever you want, but _before_ Barry, _before_ you go off and do something stupid."

"OK," Barry said, his voice quiet.

"This is the last time, Barry," Eddie said, his voice back to firm, "Bar, look at me."

Barry's eyes raised slowly. He looked embarrassed, ashamed and guilty – and still very upset, still with that fragile look, and that hint of chaos that made Eddie's blood run cold every time he saw it.

"This is the last time," he repeated, sliding his hand away from Barry's wrist, up to his shoulder instead, "you talk to me _before_." He waited until Barry nodded, and then took a deep breath. "I'm not going to comfort you anymore after you cut."

Barry's eyes widened a little bit. He pulled away. "But – Eddie –"

Eddie shook his head. "Talk to me before," he said, "no more, Barry. I won't want you keep hurting yourself and then coming to me afterwards."

"But – but it's not like that," Barry said, his voice strained, "I don't – it's not like –"

"I know you don't mean to," Eddie said, gently again, rubbing one hand up his arm tenderly, "I know you don't mean to, Bar, but you're using me as a crutch. You know I'll always be there afterwards and you know I'll hold you if you cut yourself so you –"

"That's not why I do it," Barry burst out, and there was some anger in his expression now, and some hurt too, betrayal. "I don't – I don't do it to get your _attention_ , Eddie, I don't –"

"Barry, I didn't say that," Eddie said quickly, "I know you don't – I'm not saying you do it for attention, Barry, I know that – I know that's not why, Barry. I just meant – you use it unconsciously – I'm there afterwards, and you've learned that, and I won't – there has to be some consequence to this and there isn't one right now, and I wanted to help, God, Barry I still want to help, I want to help you so much – so I tried to and I think I made it worse, Bar, and no, I know that's not why you do it but I didn't really give you a reason to stop either."

Barry was quiet for a minute. "You don't get mad at me," he said quietly. "Joe… Joe and Iris would get mad, so I stopped telling them. You don't… I like that you don't get mad, Eddie, please, that won't help – it doesn't – I just stop talking about it, it doesn't make me –"

"I'm not mad," Eddie said. He let his hands trail to Barry's back, and he started rubbing circles there. "This isn't your fault. I'm not mad, Bar, I'll never be mad at you for it – I just… I'm reinforcing the behavior, and I won't do it anymore. I won't get mad, and I'll still be here, but I'm not doing this any longer. You tell me before, and we'll talk it out and I'll do whatever you need me to, but you tell me afterwards and you're not getting it anymore, Barry. I still want to know – I won't get mad, I promise – but I'm not going to sit with you and hold you anymore."

Barry shrank inward, and Eddie could see himself losing him and leaned forward to kiss him again. "I'll still be here," Eddie said, "I'll still be there if you need to talk – if you're not OK – but I won't be… I'm enabling you. There's no consequences when you cut, and I'm not saying – I'm not saying you should be punished or anything, because it's not your fault, Bar, but I want you to… I want you to talk to me first. You get me if you talk to me before, not after. From now on, OK, Barry?"

Barry nodded against him, but he didn't look happy at all. Eddie hugged him tighter a little bit, and kissed the top of his head. "This is the last time," Eddie said, "OK? You don't need to do this to yourself. I know it's bad, and I know you get overwhelmed, and it's instinctual at this point, but you don't need to do this to yourself. Talk to me instead. You know you can always talk to me, Bar." He kissed him again, felt Barry shudder in his arms. "And this is the last time, alright? Last time cutting. Don't make me do this again, Bar. You don't need to. I know you don't, and I know you can do it. So let's just forget about this whole conversation, because you're not going to do it again anyway, OK?"

Barry nodded. "I'm trying," he said, the words strained.

"I know," Eddie said, "and I'm proud of you. But I need you to talk to me when it starts getting too hard. When you know you can't stop yourself, OK? I know, you think just one more time, but this is the third time this month, Bar. It's gotta stop. I know you can do it, babe."

Barry took in a long breath, and nodded. "OK," he said quietly, "OK, last time." Eddie tightened his hold on him.

"Last time," Eddie said.

 **So I've got an idea for maybe one or two more chapters, you guys should let me know what you thought of this and if I should continue it or not :) All reviews are immensely appreciated!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Whew, next chapter, going to be at least one more? I think?**

As soon as Eddie's in the room Barry is there and he's pulling him over to the couch, little bursts of super speed mixed in there, and then suddenly Eddie's lying down, a familiar pressure leaned up against him, and his arms are around Barry's chest.

"Nice to see you too," Eddie said, blinking before relaxing back onto the couch, but Barry is squirming in his hold, trying to get comfortable, and there are little hitching noises coming out of his mouth. He shifts a little and frowns. "Everything alright?"

"No."

He so rarely gets such a clear answer – usually Barry either insists he's fine, trying to hide it, or he mumbles about some off topic thing. It scares him a little bit.

"What's wrong?"

"I need to cut."

"Did –"

"I didn't do anything."

"Well that's – that's good, Barry, that's great, I'm proud of you, you're –"

"Eddie, I _need_ to cut." There's an urgency there that Eddie doesn't usually see, a trembling in his voice. The only times he's seen Barry like this is when he's caught him – either in the middle of the act or right before, chasing him into the bathroom or out of the building. Barry has never actually come to him when he's spiraling like this.

Eddie pulled him in closer, feeling him tremble against him.

"It's OK," Eddie said, "You don't need to. Everything's alright."

"No, no it's not," Barry said, shuddering. He started to squirm out of Eddie's grip, but Eddie wouldn't let go now. He sat up a bit, but his arms stayed firmly around Barry, and it was really scaring him now, the fact that one minute ago he had been desperate for Eddie's presence and now he was pushing him away.

"Barry," Eddie said.

"Let go."

"You brought me over here."

"I – I can't, Eddie."

And Eddie turned to face him, put one hand against the side of his face. "Yes you can," he said steadily. "Look at me, Barry – you don't have to do this."

"You don't – you don't get it, Eddie – you don't understand, I can't – I can't, Eddie, I just can't, I can't do this, let go, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry –" And then he was crying and Eddie was staring dumbfounded, before wrapping his arms around him again, moving so Barry's face rested against his shoulder, sobbing there. He was shaking, clawing at the material of Eddie's T-shirt, clinging to him, and all Eddie could do was rub his back and make shushing noises while telling him everything was alright.

"Babe," Eddie said, giving the back of his neck a quick kiss once he had calmed down. He was crying silently now, not shaking, but his fingers were still holding on tightly. "Can you tell me what happened?"

"It's all my fault," he said, "it's all my fault, Eddie, it's all my fault – I – I can't, I didn't – it's – it's not even just an accident this time, it's me, it's my fault, it's because of me –"

"OK, OK, shhh," Eddie said, cutting him off as his voice escalated before he could go into full blown hysterics again. "Whatever it is, we can fix it, OK? What happened, babe? Something with the Flash?"

He felt him nod against him, some more muttering of, "it's all my fault."

"Tell me what happened, Bar," he said, giving him another kiss.

"F-fire," he said. "There was a fire. I – I moved him – I moved him, Eddie, he told me not to and I did and –" He broke off in a sob.

"Shh, Bar, you're making yourself upset. Come on, just tell me what it was. I'm sure you were only trying to help, Bar – you can't save everyone, you know that – it doesn't make it your fault."

"No, it was my fault," Barry said, "It's all my fault, it was all my fault, I don't – I deserve, I need it, Eddie, I need –"

"No you don't," Eddie said firmly, still rubbing circles on his back, "whatever you did, whatever happened, you don't deserve it and you don't need it."

"You don't understand, it was my fa-"

"Barry, tell me what actually happened."

"There was a fire, and I," he paused, bit his lip as it wavered, as his voice cracked, "I was getting people out and it was fine, it was fine, but I – there were two people, and I – I thought it was safe. I grabbed the guy and I – I left him two floors below and he told me not to, he said there was a broken beam, he screamed it at me, but I was already gone, because there was a woman too, and I – I thought I didn't have time, but I did, and I got her and then it collapsed and he's dead because I didn't listen."

"Barry," Eddie said, soothing as he erupted into sobs again, "Barry, you were trying to help both of them and you were doing what you thought best. It's not your fault, Bar, it's not."

"But there was time – I was in such a rush I left him there, I didn't go all the way down, because I thought it was safe there but it wasn't and I did have time – that part of the building didn't collapse, and they both would have been fine if I had just –"

"But you didn't know that," Eddie said soothingly, "you didn't know it would be fine and you didn't know the beam would collapse – you thought he was just a scared panic-stricken guy yelling – you didn't know he was right and you didn't know you wouldn't have made it out. They both would have been dead regardless if you hadn't been there. You still saved a life, Barry."

"He's dead because of me," Barry said, his voice a whisper.

"No," Eddie said, "she lived because of you. He's dead because a fire caught in his building and there was a terrible tragedy. He would have died if you weren't there, and unfortunately he died when you were there. Nothing changed."

"I could have saved him."

"But you didn't, and Barry, that's OK. You won't be able to save all of them. You won't Barry. I know you know that, we've talked about this. It's not your fault."

"He told me not to leave him there."

"You barely heard him. You were trying to help everyone. Not your fault."

"I let him die. I left him there to die."

"Barry, you didn't know."

"He's dead because –"

"Stop it. You're going in circles. This is not your fault, Barry."

"But –"

"If you can't see it yourself," Eddie said, "then trust me. I'm telling you this is not your fault, you have nothing to feel guilty over. It's still sad, and it's a horrible tragedy, but it's not your fault."

Barry's mouth curled up, a thin line, and his eyes dropped, but he didn't say anything.

"Stop thinking," Eddie said, kissing his forehead in between the words. "This isn't your fault. It's no one's fault. It's just a sad tragedy. You can't save everyone, and you know that."

"I can try," he mumbled.

Eddie leaned back, the ghost of a smile on his lips. "Now you're just being obstinate."

"You always say that when I'm right."

"I _do not_ ," Eddie said, "I say it when you're being a brat."

Barry scowled at him, but Eddie laughed. "Come here," he said, and he was shifting him around again, so Barry was leaning back against his chest. "I know you're upset," he said seriously again, "but you have to let it go. You'll drive yourself crazy if you don't, Barry."

Barry was quiet for a while, and it looked like he was finally starting to calm down.

"I still feel like I did something wrong," he said, his voice impossibly quiet.

Eddie gave him a squeeze. "You didn't."

"I… I know, but…"

"You feel like you need to punish yourself," Eddie finished.

Barry looked down, and Eddie knew his face was turning red.

"It's OK, Barry," Eddie said, "you don't. You don't need to."

"I…"

"You want to cut."

"Yeah."

"You're not going to cut, Barry."

"I… OK. Yeah, I… I know, I know I can't," he said quietly, "but… but…"

Eddie's fingers slid under the hem of his shirt, sliding over his stomach. Barry leaned back against him, head falling right under his shoulder.

"Yeah, I know, Bar," Eddie said softly.

"I _want to_ ," he said, and it came out like a plea, desperate.

"I know, Bar – wait it out, it'll pass."

Barry shuddered. "Don't leave."

"I'm not going anywhere."

Barry's hands came to overlap his, fingers spanning out over his knuckles.

 **Please comment and tell me what you thought, and thank you for reading :)**


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